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[Feb. 14th, 2007|11:37 pm] |
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So im posting this here cause if your reading this that means you are the few i feel comfortable to say these things to just so someone can listen. Ive been down in the dumps for about a month now and im sure you all have noticed. Ive been trying to put on a strong face and get out and do stuff, but sadly nothing seems to work. Ive moved on to the best of my ability and it doesnt seem to be helping. Ive meet and been out with quite a few nice ladies and i feel nothing. Its as if they arent there. Ive been told by people on livejournal who i do not know, that i should just sit back and let things pass. Good advice. But sadly i cant do that. Im an emotional person and while i try not to show it when im around others, it does shine at times. Im trying to move on but it sucks cause i cant feel anything at all. I believe this is normal at least for most and i wish i could compare it to past experiences but no one truly can. I am blocked by this feeling of nothing that can not seem to let me see things clearly. Ive even decided to start dating someone that i am interested in just to help me move on. Its a mutual thing and she is aware of my past and understands. She also is looking for somethingnow for she will not be in the states after may. I am happy around her and when i am with her but when we are apart, i dont feel anything. That shows me that i still have issues. I cant seem to fix them and yes i try to fix them in my own way cause if a person can not coome to terms with something or acknowledge something, the problem will always be there. Waiting and giving it time wil not help. I know from past experiences. I have always had bad luck when it comes to relationships and im sure most of you know about my past. I have been told many things that are qualities in others eyes and they seem to be the ones people are after so what seems to be the problem? Either they end it by cheating or leaving for someone else or dont want something serious. And the few times i find someone worth while and i try my hardest and i truly be myself, its not enough. What is thepoint if when i am myself and when i try my best and i do give as much as is giving, these things happen. Ive comme to the thought that its a soda can fairy fucking with me for her own shits and giggles. At least that though puts a smile on my face. :)
I guess the worst part of the last relationship was the fact i was truly myself and gave so much to make it work. I was a good boyfriend and i let her get close and she knew stuff about me that very few and probably most of you dont know. I never was mean, i never bitched and i think if there was an award for being a good BF i should have got it. But it didnt last longer than 2 months. It ended cause she didnt think i wanted more out of life and i was happy where i was at. She didnt know me as well as she thought she did. It hurt that she didnt except me for me. And i say that because she didnt see the relationship for the good that it was and everyone else saw. She saw it for drive and goals and ambition that didnt match her. She is a very driven person and has goals that she wants. Well, so do i. I want to be happy. I want a family and to live a good normal life, thati can be a nobody. Im not into standing out and making a name for myslef cause that is not me. The whole ordeal hurt cause there was a spark and it was there all the way to the end and it ended with something that shouldnt have mattered. She thought i should better myself and be more driven. I pay my own bills, i own my own stuff, i have a steady job and a stable job, i am not in debt, i have great friends, i have a great family that everyone wants to be a part of. Except for having someone to share it with, i think i am well off. I do have goals but unlike her i dont want to risk what i have now for something that may not come about. She once said that if we had gotten serious, she wanted to make sure i wouldnt mooch off of her. Odd, i pay for everything for myself now and she has her mother paying for college. Im not trying to start shit with her, im just making a point. Not everyone has had the same upbringing and not everyone can go at a fast pace. It doesnt matter whether it is retail or working for the President, a job is a job and while she may not respect retail, i am proud of my job and where i am at in life. In 2 years, i will have the money to move out and be able to stay at my own place with out struggling and all that at a retail job. My car will be paid off and i will not be in debt. I will still have the benefits i have now which are Medical, Dental, Eye coverage, 401k, Stock in Barnes and Nobles, enough time for vacation to where i could take 2 months off in a row and still have some days left for emergency. I have enough money coming in to where i can save it up and spend a little bit for fun. All this from a retail job. It sucks that she doesnt see me for me but for what she thinks is right. It is of course her opinion even though i think it is foolish to let go of something that made both of us happy.
Still, i dont know what im gonna do regarding the lack of emotions right now, and it does hurt to know i did my best and was myself and that was not enough for someone whom we both had that spark. I guess ill keep looking for another spark cause that is what i need. I dont know how long im gonna be in the slums and it sucks cause this isnt me and i hate it, but nothing can help right now. I wish i could change her mind cause as much as im trying to move on i do feel that spark and want to be with her but i can not. I am even having a hard time being her friend right now and she doesnt want to lose that and neither do i. I guess ill keep doing what im doing and seeing where it goes. I dont believe that nice guys finish last. I believe we get the best, last.
So to fate, God, Karma, or that little fairy in the soda can that is out there deciding my life, i hope you send that spark my way again. I really want it in my life cause it is the biggiest goal on my to-do list.
Thanks for listening
-CG |
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| Word!!!!!! |
[Oct. 29th, 2006|09:22 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Life is a Highway | ] |
Hey You,
I had a blast on friday. Enjoyed every minute of it. We talked about alot of different things and told each other stuff that we thought the other person should know. I told you some things and confessed some things that i normally wouldnt tell someone, but it seemed ok. Its odd to have been that open with you when im usualy not open on that level. And the strange thing was, i was not nervous or scared to say what i said. Odd. I do believe people should be honest with each other, but i also believe some things are better left not said. Thats not true in your case. You told me some things also that i sort of knew and some i didnt know. A few things you told me and how you felt, didnt shock me or dissapoint me. Dont think that it did. I actually have a lot of respect for you because of it. I understand completely, what its like to have feelings for someone and not be able to have them grow due to difficulties. The fact you had me alone and didnt act on them shows me how much of a cool and honest person you are. I respect you immeansly because of that.
I remember how you said i bring out the evil in you, and you cleared that up by saying i bring out the goofy and sillyness that is you. Im glad i can. Being yourself around others is the best thing you can do. I know that you are going through a rough spot and im gladd you trust me enough to tell me your problems and let me give you advice. Im glad to see you knowing what you want to do in regards to said problem and you are not afraid to handle it. You are very strong and confident more so than probably me and some others that i know. Still, in the end, im glad im your friend, im glad you trust me,and im glad you believe in me enough to have said the things that you said.
I hope things work out the way you want them to and i hope that what we would like to happen does. But ill keep being a friend till things work themselves out.
catch you on the flip side
me~ |
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| we knew this |
[Oct. 15th, 2006|10:53 am] |
What threat to the Bush administration are you?
Threat rating: Medium. Your total lack of decent family values makes you dangerous, but we can count on some right wing nutter blowing you up if you become too high profile.
Take this quiz!
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| ok, i did the survey |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|01:05 pm] |
(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)
| ✓ I miss somebody right now. |
✓ I don't watch much TV these days. |
× I own lots of books. |
| × I wear glasses or contact lenses. |
✓ I love to play video games. |
× I've tried marijuana. |
| ✓ I've watched porn movies. |
× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. |
✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. |
| ✓ I curse sometimes. |
× I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. |
× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. |
( it goes on... ) |
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| maybe this will help...... |
[Jun. 30th, 2006|09:11 pm] |
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i dont have many peeps on my livejournal yet but to those of you who read this, i hope this helps in your problems i have been reading as of late. Some people go through times when they need help or advice but do not know how to express it. Sometimes they need someone they can trrust to listen, other times they need a indepdent party. These people sometimes do not know who to turn to. In life, everyone is in each others lives for a reason. this reason could be as simple as a shoulder to cry on, a personality to forget the past, or a friend to hold their hand as they make those steps through the hard parts of life. No answer is ovious and sometimes it does not make it slef known till you have alrdy come to a desicion. Alot of times the decision is not to ones liking. This sucks big time. But in the end we remember who is there and who we can trust. The best that we who help can do is just be there as best as we can. Even if it sucks that we cant help more. Being there for those you care about will not be forgotten by anyone. I have not forgotten those that have been there for me, and have let me rant, and those that have helped me i will be there for as best as i can. Just remember you are not alone. |
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| okey dokey......here we go |
[Jun. 28th, 2006|08:37 pm] |
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hi all............this feels almost like a dating site now that i think about it. normally i rant on myspace, so i must send the flow over to here. i dont know what ill be doing with this but well see. anywho! well, anyone reading this alrdy knows my myspace which is more fun right now then this....but i havent given this enough time. ill make this fun to.... VIVA LA DORKS! ok im out. |
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